Feathers

In 2019, I was asked to give my testimony in front of a group of about 100 women. The first question they asked me to answer was “What is one word you would use to describe your current season of life?” That question has resonated with me since and helps me focus when life gets overwhelming. As I think back on the nightmare that was my life right after Todd died, there are so many words I could use. Ultimately, I think the word I might choose would be “soft.” I know that doesn’t make much sense and it’s taken me a lot of reflection and thought to land there, but I believe it is the best description and I hope that you might be able to understand the experience- as much as I hate that any of us had to live through it. 

In the days and weeks following Todd’s death, the following verse played over and over in my head: He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge (Psalm 91:4)

When I think of His wings, my mind immediately moves to angel’s wings and I imagine large, white, feathery, soft and sparkly wings. (It gives me a goal for my life- I love all things sparkly and soft in this world- I want to have my own large set of sparkly and soft wings in my next (eternal) life too.)

During those first few days of grief, I felt heavy, like gravity was stronger than normal and it was not my friend. There were many moments where the air felt thicker and it took more effort for me to physically move. I was moving in slow motion and even in those days when more people dropped in and wanted to speak with me than ever before in my whole life up to that point, I found myself staring into space and trying my best to focus my mind on what was happening right in front of me. None of these sensations are anything I would ever want to feel again.

But the side effect that I least appreciated was the feeling of being turned inside out, as if all of my nerves were on the outside of my skin. Most of my senses were heightened (with the exception of taste- all hunger went away and even the food I did force in was bland and purely to appease those that were watching to make sure I ate- highly DO NOT recommend the grief diet y’all). Voices were louder, scents were stronger, colors were more contrasting and even the slightest breeze felt sharp on my skin. 

But despite these heightened senses, and although my emotions and nerves were completely raw, and that due to what my doctor deemed “adjustment insomnia” I was not sleeping and was definitely not processing life moment by moment, when I think back on it, even though there were hard realities being faced every day, because of the love and support from a community of people built up through my entire life (family, friends, childhood neighbors, high school friends, college friends, colleagues, church friends and fellow school moms), I felt a sense of peace and protection that has no earthly explanation. In my mind, I can see that each person that offered support and love served as a feather of refuge to soften my reality to the point where I could process what was happening without completely shutting down. 

As I look to the future and know that I want to serve as one of those feathers of refuge for as many people as I can, I completely understand how difficult it can be to step into someone else’s grief, to be unsure of what to say and to worry that you will hurt them more than help. I appreciated it the most when I ran into an old friend from church at the grocery store, and she was honest enough to say “I don’t know what to say to you. I’ve read all these articles, and I know I’m not supposed to tell you that you look great, or that you’re strong, but there are no words.” I believe what matters most is that you make an effort. Have good intentions towards supporting others and becoming those feathers when someone is in a tough season of life. 

Here are a few ways that I received that love and support during those first few weeks that I would highly recommend:

Patio parties- Impromptu mass text messages with a note that my girlfriends would be arriving at 7 p.m. with bottles of wine and brownies were fantastic. Sometimes we talked through my grief, but other times they all just talked and I sat and listened. The fact that they were all willing to give up their evenings and time with their families to sit with me meant the world to me. 

Meal train- This is a classic- and it’s a classic for a reason. If you are the organized type- this may be a good option to offer to someone going through the difficult season. There was definitely no way I would have been able to work through this one on my own.

Open when- This last idea might be my favorite for future seasons. It came from a friend who had just been through her own difficult time. She delivered dinner for the family one night, along with some gifts, because her love language is shopping. One of the gifts was a canvas bag, filled with “open when” cards. Each envelope is labeled for a specific feeling. “Open when you feel…” overwhelmed, sad, alone, angry, unable to accept change (WINNER), like a hot mess (ANOTHER WINNER), hungry, bossy- the list goes on and on. And every one of them was filled with words of wisdom, love, encouragement and support that were so incredibly needed in the moment, written by a group of ladies from my church. What I loved the most about these cards is that every time I open one, I know that the person who wrote that card for me took time out of their own busy life to sit and write directly to what my heart might need. And it was that connection that provided the most comfort.

Feathers, y’all. It is my greatest hope that you can look back and find a few in your story. And even moreso, when it comes to being one of His feathers to provide refuge to someone else going through a difficult time, don’t let fear of doing or saying the wrong thing hold you back. Search your heart for what feels right for you, and know that the person hurting will appreciate the time you took to provide a connection, which ultimately provides peace and comfort. These are the human connections that we need more of in this world. And in my opinion, that human connection- soft feathers of protection for someone else’s shattered heart- are a true gift from heaven.